Who rescued who

When I think of my recovery I feel oberwhelmed by how lonely and scared I felt. Those first few days home out of treatment were like waking up on another planet. My family was the same, my house was the same, my room was the same, I was definitely not the same. 

As time went by the loneliness faded because of two things. 

• A constantly higher dose of antidepressants and mood stabilizers thanks to my lovely psychiatrist 
• A rescue dog, Rummy.

Rummy was originally a foster of mine through a local animal shelter. She was 8 months and is a pitbull. Fostering her pulled her from the euthanasia list until I could find her a forever home. Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months and before I knew it she was my girl. 

Rummy is by no means a dream dog. She gives the worst love bites, she jumps all over me and anybody she sees, and she’s constantly eating anything the can find (shoes, makeup, remotes). 

In no time at all I grew a connection with this girl that I can’t put into words. She made my days brighter, she made me happier than any antidepressant ever could, and she gave me a purpose for waking up in the morning. She unintentionally went on to inspire me to apply for a job that I now love, I working at a dog hotel where I get to bring her along every single day. 

It may sound silly to have such love for a dog, but she has helped me in my recovery more than I can put into words. She’s my best friend, she’s my fur baby.

Who rescued who? 

  

    
 

The Allergy is True for me

“Read the forewords to there is a solution. Write about internal and external powerlessness and unmanageability. Is the allergy true for you?”

I am unable to live a good life while using. I will lie to myself, my friends, and my family to get what I want. I am mean and selfish and only care about feeling good in the moment. I lose my humanity and fall into an immoral way of thinking. My mind starts working a different way and all I cause is pain to myself and others. I lose all inhibitions and goals I once had for myself. I sleep with whoever shows the slightest bit interest, and don’t care of any of the consequences it comes with. I put myself in shitty situations and then feel sorry for myself later on. I steal from my family so I can buy more drugs. I choose drugs over everybody and everything every time. I use alone, I use in groups, I use until I’m sick, and still all I can think about is using again. I say things like I’ll never use again and then a week later I’ll pawn things to buy more bars. I lose all self respect, and build an ugly reputation for myself as “that” girl. I become angry with anybody who tries to tell me I have a problem and justify my actions with more lies. I am unable to keep a job, and call in more and more every month because I’m too sick to go in. I stop going to school and give up on college entirely. I continuously hurt my family. I am harmful to myself more than anybody else. 

The allergy is true for me, to use is to die. 

The Worst

Can I just say that I really really hate the way movies and television shows portray addiction and recovery? 

I’ve always felt that way but it really set in when I recently watched a lifetime movie titled “The Perfect High”.

 It was the typical cliche plot of a young beautiful girl with a good home who starts hanging out with the wrong people and gets into a relationship with a guy who turns her onto heroine, and before you know it she’s shooting up on a daily basis. I don’t know what irritated me more..that the storyline was like watching a train wreck that looked identical to myself, or the fact that the movie spent an hour and a half showing this girl get high out of her mind and have amazing sex with her boyfriend and go to super fun parties with a super fun drugs blah blah blah, and then spent the last five minutes of the film with her miraculous sobriety and rehab experience.

Being a recovering addict, I finished the movie feeling sick to my stomach. Although the movies clear goal was to teach young people what drugs will lead you to, it spent a great deal of time romanticizing the entire lifestyle and hardly scratched the surface of her recovery. You don’t blink and all of the sudden it’s in your past and your cured. Not even close.

Movies will be movies

Ignorance will be ignorance 

Happy is dangerous

Depression and anger are tricky emotions for an addict, but for me happiness is the most dangerous of all. 

These past few days I’ve started a new job (that I love) and have really set into a pretty normal routine. This is the first time I’ve felt some normality to my life since treatment and it feels damn good, too damn good. 

I feel myself losing that desperation I once had for sobriety. The further I get into my recovery the easier it is for me to forget the fucked up places my addiction had taken me to, the places I never want to return to. I fear the day that I begin convincing myself I’m “cured” and can “handle it this time”. That isn’t the case though, I truly believe that my next time using will ultimately lead me to my death. I’m constantly reminding myself of this, but what if one day it’s not enough to fight that irrational reasoning inside of me? 

So after much thought on the topic I called my sponsor to get her opinion on it all. She told me to pray about it and we’ll further discuss it at a later date. At first I felt slightly irritated by her request, not because I don’t have a higher power but because my faith in him to help with this particular dilemma was slim to none. Regardless of my hesitation, I got on my knees and I prayed about it.

The next morning I woke with a newfound strength inside of me. With God on my side I will never forget what I came from and the importance of my faith. Today I feel thankful. Thankful and strong as hell. 
Namaste bitches 

Living with the past

One Of the hardest parts of my daily life is having to explain to people that I’m an addict. 

“Why did you drop out of school?” Or “Why can’t you come to a party with us after work?” Or my personal favorite “why do you still live at home with your parents?”

I started a new job this week and I was well aware that the day would eventually come when somebody asked me a question along these lines. Some people would ask why I don’t just lie and make up an excuse, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t think about doing just that. But a huge aspect of my recovery has been complete honesty. I could lie about the smallest thing and my mind takes me back to the times I lied to every single person who loved me and it led me nowhere but down.

So when people ask, I tell them the truth. 50% of people will act completely comfortable and just smile and nod and tell me that’s great, the other 50% couldn’t hide the judgment on their faces if they tried. 

But the truth is, I have no room for people in my life who choose to let my past offenses define me. My addiction is and always will be a part of me, a part that I have accepted and I hope they will to. My addiction does define me, in that it’s brought me to the mental and physical state I’m currently in, which is a great fucking place. 

The guilt and shame of that past life are still there, though not as strongly they still exist. But I refuse to let that same feeling of guilt keep me from letting people know who I am and what I’ve grown from. 

Boys and Drugs?

I don’t know what it is but these past few days I have boys on the brain. It’s gotten to the point where in every meeting I go to I spend my time scoping the room for a cutie rather than actually involving myself. 

I’ve been giving the issue a lot of thought and I have a strong feeling that I’m wanting a man in my life to give me happiness, meaning I’m still in the mentality I had throughout my using years.  Drugs cant make my life better, I can. Boys cant make my life better, I can. Sex can’t make my life better, I can. 

Even with this realization I’m still craving that role in my life with every fiber of my being. (Possibly relating to the fact that I haven’t been with anybody since treatment). I know I don’t need a guy, but is it so bad to want somebody to talk to other than my family once in a while? The connection I’m wanting is so much different from anything my family or friends could give me.

God, send me a man who won’t be detrimental to my recovery in any way, 

Assuming such a person exists 

Powerless

Like most, I was in complete denial of my addiction for years. I overdosed last night? It happens. I failed every college course this semester? It happens. I blacked out last night on horse tranquilizers and woke up to find out I had sex with two roommates? (Which I now know was considered rape) it happens. I sold my parents things to a pawn shop to buy an 8 ball? It happens. 

It wasn’t until I ran away from home because I wanted to use all the time every day. I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of anything I did, I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t want to go to work, and I certainly didn’t want to sneak around when I wanted to get my fix. So I left. 

I have amazing parents who would do anything for me, and I left them for drugs. I stayed on friends couches, slept with who I had to in order to stay the night, and lived the next week in a blurred state of mind. The desperate phone calls from my sister to go home and end this went in one ear and out the other. I wasn’t happy with any of this, but I was trying so fucking hard to convince myself I was. It wasn’t until i came very close to stripping to feed myself and my habit that somebody told me I needed to get help.

I returned home the next day and my parents took me straight to the treatment center. During my stay there, through the withdrawals and all, I had still not fully accepted myself as an addict.

Once I was discharged I was overly confident with my sobriety. I thought I could go without meetings, and be fine. It wasn’t until 100-105 days later that I decided to return to the rooms of NA. God had brought me down from my overconfidence, hard. I was humbled to realize that I am in fact powerless to my addiction and always will be. This past week I attended more meetings than I had in months. Ive met some amazing people so far and even found a sponsor. And finally i am ready to begin the steps. It was a long road to get to the point where I was open to the process (and I wouldn’t recommend to anybody to wait that long to begin, it’s a total danger zone.) 

And so it begins 

Just For Today

“When we feel trapped or pressured, it takes great spiritual and emotional strength to be honest.”
Basic Text, p. 85
Many of us try to wiggle out of a difficult spot by being dishonest, only to have to humble ourselves later and tell the truth. Some of us twist our stories as a matter of course, even when we could just as easily tell the plain truth. Every time we try to avoid being honest, it backfires on us. Honesty may be uncomfortable, but the trouble we have to endure when we are dishonest is usually far worse than the discomfort of telling the truth.

Honesty is one of the fundamental principles of recovery. We apply this principle right from the beginning of our recovery when we finally admit our powerlessness and unmanageability. We continue to apply the principle of honesty each time we are faced with the option of either living in fantasy or living life on its own terms. Learning to be honest isn’t always easy, especially after the covering up and deception so many of us practiced in our addiction. Our voices may shake as we test our newfound honesty. But before long, the sound of the truth coming from our own mouths settles any doubts: Honesty feels good! It’s easier living the truth than living a lie. 

Just for Today: Today I will honestly embrace life, with all its pressures and demands. I will practice honesty, even when it is awkward to do so. Honesty will help, not hurt, my efforts to live clean and recover.”

The virgin..to sober sex.

Sex and drugs were one in the same for me. Both made me feel like heaven, both distracted me, and both were a constant need. When I think about sex I think about being high out of my mind and going with the flow, no emotions no embarrassment no awkwardness. You can see why this would be a problem for somebody now living in sobriety. A BIG Problem.

Sex hasn’t been a huge thought on my mind since treatment (thanks to a heavy dose of antideppresants daily) but those occasions where it does cross my mind terrify me to say the least. Being only 19, I wish I could say my list of past partners is short and sweet, but everybody who has faced an addiction in their lives can probably understand why that wasn’t the case. 

I’m about to say something I never never never imagined would come from me, but I feel drawn to a promise ring. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t intend on becoming a new again Virgin, I just feel such a strong connection to my God since my recovery that it feels right. 

Sobriety has taught me how to respect myself, which is a completely new idea for me. And I love the way it feels. I want the next time I have sex (the first time I soberly have sex) is with somebody who I love and loves me in return. I can’t take back the way I let people treat me in the past, but I sure as hell can set a standard now. 
Namaste bitches 

Stay Away from Social Networks???

The first thing I did when leaving treatment was delete every social network and change my phone number. The way I saw it I was starting a new life and that didn’t have any place for people from my past. I needed to focus on myself and my relationship with my family.

I’ve been very good about sticking to this new way of thinking. Stay away from old friends. Stay away from the Internet. And Stay in the mindset of sobriety.  

BUT I slipped up today. I searched some old friends on Twitter and before you know it I had been scrolling down people’s pages for hours, sort of “catching up” on everything I had missed.  When I finally decided I had enough and turned off my phone I was overwhelmed with the feeling of guilt. I knew better than to take those steps backwards and if I could slip up so easily what’s gonna keep me from relapse? 

I then realized this was meant as a lesson to me. I’m now left feeling very humbled in my recovery. I am not perfect and I am going to make mistakes and I will never get rid of the addiction living inside of me. All I can do is let go and let God and focus on the day ahead of me. Sobriety isn’t easy, but it’s so fucking worth it.